By FRANK REMKIEWICZ

I remember when I was about 15, and the summer sun was just beginning to warm up. We played baseball on the school’s diamond down the street. It was July, and the Friendly Cup was open on Friday night. The Friendly Cup transformed our city recreation center into a gathering place for teenagers. It was a place to listen to Rock and Roll music and dance. Or play games in the game-room, or listen to folk music in yet another room. An adult or two would host a “meet and talk” room. That was a safe place where teenagers could really talk about whatever was bothering them, and it worked! My first real date happened there. A young girl had heard our band play the week before, and we fell in love. As most teenage romances go, it did not last. That was in 1965. In 1970, I married her sister. Over fifty-five years later, we wonder where the time went.

“Islands in the stream, that is what we are.” (Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton)

If you read this column, you know I try to engage you all on a short spiritual journey each time I write. I try to give my readers ideas on issues like prayer, grace, and related topics to pray about over the month between columns. In this column, I am going to tell you what makes a good marriage. At least what has made our marriage so good – and last so long. This is personal.

“What will I do when you are gone?

Who’s gonna tell me the truth?

Who’s gonna finish the stories I start

The way you always do?” (You Can’t Make Old Friends, Rogers and Parton)

Kathryn and I were friends before we were dating. While I was in Vietnam, she wrote to me. I would not write to her about the war, and she never asked. The content of my letters was about kids, food, and life in our hometown. We got to know who each of us is, you know, as friends. I do not think you can marry and stay married if you are not friends. Arguments, though few and far between, are hard on a marriage unless you are friends. No matter what we argued about, the underlying friendship always remained intact. Kathryn knew about my post-traumatic stress disorder. Many of my buddies from the ‘Nam were married and divorced multiple times over this issue. A friend will not abandon you right when you need that friend.

“Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn’t I a king” (The Dance, Garth Brooks)

Kathryn is a photographer. That is her passion. She worked in black and white only. When she did serious photography, she always “played” with light, shade, and darkness. She is passionately good. A great joy in my life was driving her to a destination where she could take photos. I would stand aside and marvel at how she worked. Angles: standing, sitting, lying down; she needed just the right light and correct angle to get the photograph. Kathryn also developed her own film so she could be sure about the photo. She has a gift, and she is willing to share that gift with me. Quietly enjoying each other’s company is important. Being able to share all that we have is important.

“No one in-between

How can we be wrong?

Sail away with me

To another world” (Islands in the Stream, Rogers and Parton)

One of our most precious quotes is, “You and me against the world.” Kathryn and I moved 15 times in our first 13 years of marriage. I will be honest; I was chasing the next best job. The next promotion. Every time I came home and said I had a new job in some distant place, Kathryn supported me. For Kathryn, it was always the “next adventure”. Kathryn would pack up the kids and the house, and away we went. We arrived in Oakdale in 1994. We found Oakdale just the right place to call home, and we did. When I was about to leave for my next new job in Hayward, Kathryn and I had a very long discussion about moving. We loved Oakdale, and Oakdale was always good to us. Kathryn was always on the lookout for a hometown. Oakdale, it is. We never made any major decision, be it a car, a house, what to do about the kids when they needed help, or to get out of a tight situation, our finances, whatever was required, we did as a team. There are at least two good things here for any marriage. First, there are no secrets between us. Regardless of how difficult the truth may be for both of us, truth is trust. If there is little or no trust between the couple, the marriage will fail at some point. Second, we never seriously affect our financial position in isolation. Never create havoc financially individually; always make it a joint effort. Every day, finances will generate enough arguments in and of themselves. We always try to focus on fixing a “hole in our lack of money” rather than fighting over “who created the hole in the money”. All the negative energy that goes into arguing could be better spent on solving the problem. Blaming each other creates a rift that can grow over time.

“Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I’d have had to miss the dance” (The Dance, Garth Brooks)

Kathryn and I are now in the final scene of a long-running romantic comedy. Like all good movies, I hate to see it end. It will, shortly. It has become necessary to bring Community Hospice into our home for the next six months or so. Our life together has been blessed by God. My life has been blessed by the person I love more than anything. I learned from the death of our daughter that God calls you home when your work is complete in this world. The phone will ring, and Kathryn will have to answer it.

Frank Remkiewicz is an area resident and contributes a monthly column focused primarily on faith and religion. He can be reached at fremkiewicz@gmail.com. Opinions expressed are those of the author.