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Out Of Bounds – Preparing For The Zombie Apocalypse

POSTED May 28, 2013 4:43 p.m.

I could watch Brad Pitt solve a crossword puzzle for three hours.

Seven across ‑ Six letters. You should be ashamed of yourself if you haven’t seen this movie.

S-N-A-T-C-H.

“Do you like Dags?”

He was brilliant in Snatch, captivating in Fight Club, inspiring in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, hilarious in Burn after Reading, gripping in Se7en, and pretty much fantastic in every other appearance on screen.

Like the fabled King Midas, the movies Brad Pitt touches, turn to gold.

Want to film an alternate history saga of Hitler’s demise? Sprinkle some gold on it.

Planning a seven-year staycation in Tibet? Invite Mr. Midas.

My zeal for Brad (he prefers I call him Brad or the Pitt Viper), isn’t unjustified, and it’s timely. I stumbled across the trailer for World War Z recently and got goose bumps so large, one of them poked me in the eye.

I’m pretty sure I have seen every watchable Zombie movie ever made (here’s three good ones you may have missed ‑ Fido, Army of Darkness, Shaun of the Dead). There’s nothing quite like an animated corpse. Sometimes, if I am feeling particularly morbid, I will catch myself daydreaming in traffic about a glorious zombie apocalypse to suddenly give my life emphatic purpose.

Where would I go? (Bass Bro Shops) ‑ What would I do? (Fortify) ‑ Who would I hope is a zombie I could pulverize? (The cast of Twilight).

But I dream.

A zombie war is about as imminent as a Presidential election that matters.

The only way I’m going to enjoy a living dead experience is to stare at moving pixels and I regretfully accept that. However the only thing better than a real undead Armageddon has got to be the ole Pitt Viper fighting hordes of hive-minded zombies on the big screen. I’d rather watch the trailer for World War Z on a two-hour loop than sit through another made-for-the-masses ‘blockbuster’ like The Dark Knight Rises (a talking hamster would have been more compelling than Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter), or The Transformers (CGI Robots do not count as plot points or good acting).

Good movies are like my dogs. No one really understands them like I do. Zombies are gritty and brutal and you can bash their brains in with a cricket bat without remorse. They make for compelling subject matter in the art of cinema and I’ve bought into the genre.

I’ve never dressed up for a movie premier before, but I may just drool a little and drag a broken foot on June 21.

If your spawn are home that night, 14 down – 10 letters. B-A-B-Y-S-I-T-T-E-R.

 

Ike Dodson is a staff reporter for The Oakdale Leader, The Riverbank News and The Escalon Times. He may be reached at idodson@oakdaleleader.com or by calling 847-3021.

 

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